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Bad Puns, Good Puns, All Puns

Bad Puns, Good Puns, All Puns Aren’t Created Equal!


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Bad and Good Puns


I went to a very emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
(Submitted by: Kaitlyn, Bethesda, MD)
I met an outdoorsy carpet salesman. You could say he was pretty RUGged.
(Submitted by: Kaitlyn, Bethesda, MD)
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
(Submitted by: Kaitlyn, Bethesda, MD)
Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway
I used to be a baby, but I grew out of it
6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.
I was trying to make a pun about escaping quicks but I’m stuck.
The man who loved hunting was charged with big gamey.
A criminals best asset is his lie ability.
Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
Did you hear about the guy who choked on a pretzel? He was very salty.
A man died when a pile of books fell on him, he only had his shelf to blame
I got a small ticket for speeding. It’s fine with me.
I invented a sandal for people with one leg. It was a flop.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
I hate carrying my luggage around the airport, i rest my case.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention
Life is like hunting. There are no easy antlers.
I hate insects puns, they really bug me.
I hate negative numbers and will stop at nothing to avoid them.
There’s a fine line between numerator and denominator.
Water you thinking about?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
The hard-luck hunter preyed and preyed.
I have a few jokes about unemployed people but it doesn’t matter none of them work.
I seem to have a creek in my neck.
Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!
It was a terrible summer for Humpty Dumpty… but he had a great fall.
I’m trying to finish writing a script for a porno movie, but there are just too many holes in the plot.
What day does an Easter egg hate the most? Fry-days.
I heard Beyonce was having twins, she’s now being called Beytwice.
I need to stop drinking so much milk. It’s an udder disgrace.
The case against a donut thief was full of holes.
Well you’re a little lake to be starting now.
What are the 2 reasons the girl broke up with her boyfriend? Because he was a cheetah and because he was lion too much to her.
What do bees do with their honey? They cell it.
Coming up with weather puns is a breeze.
I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie ever.
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
What a load of carp!
What did the sea say to the sand? Nothing, it simply waved.
My math teacher called me average. How mean!
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense
Enough of the gay jokes… cum on guys.
I received a message from the sun, it was enlightening.
I wanna make a joke about sodium, but Na..
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
My drug dealer cracks me up.
The duck was in rehab because he was a quackaddict.
What do elves learn in school? The Elf-abet!
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.
Q: Why did the balloon go near the needle? A: He wanted to be a pop star
I love marriage proposals, they are so engaging
My room mates are concerned that I’m using their kitchen utensils, but that’s a whisk i’m willing to take.
My wife wanted to make a joke about domestic violence, but I beat her to it
I went to a peanut factory last week. It was nuts!
I’m an archeologists and my life is in ruins
Oxygen is proven to be a toxic gas. Anyone who inhales oxygen will normally dies within 80 years.
The majority of people find bananas a peeling
What do you call someone masturbating into open water? Free Willy…
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.
Oh cramps…. You bloody bitch.
A deer hunter got on his hands and knees to take a closer at some tracks. That’s when he got hit by the train.
I make apocalypse jokes like there’s no tomorrow.
I wish people would stop asking me where I think I’m going to be in 4 years, I don’t have 2020 vision.
A life in politics is full of parties
I would tell you a joke about my shoe but I think I shoedn’t.
Sounds like you’re a bit tongue-tide.
Why do dogs make good sailors? They know their knots.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh sheet.
I shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.
I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
Met this girl on a dating site and i don’t know, we just clicked.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn’t concentrate.
What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? Better hold onto your nuts because this is no ordinary blowjob.
Which of Santa’s reindeers needs to mind his manners the most? “Rude”olph
My friend met a male porno actor the other day. She told me he was really cocky.
I put up a high-voltage electric fence around my property over the weekend, my neighbour is dead against it
Whiteboards are so remarkable!
A guy just threw milk at me… How dairy?!
A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp. The police are looking into it.
I have to eat breakfast without toast because I’m lack-toast intolerant.
I was so sad and crying when I lost my playstation 3 but unfortunately, there was nobody to console me!
I’ve just written a song about tortillas – actually, it’s more of a rap.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.
Q: What kind of parties do printers have? A: Paper Jams
Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.
What do ghosts serve for dessert? I Scream.
Stop being so shellfish!
Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
The person who invented the door knock won the No-bell prize.
Anal sex makes your hole weak.
What’s a horny pirate’s worst nightmare? A sunken chest with no booty.
The painter was hospitalized due to too many strokes.
Why did the condom fly across the room? Because it was pissed off.
A donkey fell into a bowl of sugar. Now that’s a sweet ass.
I’ve decided to sell my Hoover. Well it was just collecting dust.
I’m emotionally constipated. I haven’t given a shit in days.
I should have been sad when my flash light batteries died, but I was delighted.
Turning vegan is a big missed steak.
She said she was gonna toss my salad. I said well, you better start undressing…
Careful how you slice up that wild game carcass: You don’t want to make a big moose steak!
If it wasn’t for physics, I’d be unstoppable
If you’ve been thinking about singing karaoke, just duet, you don’t have anything to lose
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!
A friend told me how she was molested as a child…very touching story.
Sodomy puns are sexual in ur endo.
A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason… details are sketchy.
Chem students do it on the table periodically.
I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
She’s angling for a raise.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
I’m so purrfect that whenever I meet a pretty girl, I whisker away.
Why did the snowman smile? Because the snowblower is coming.
I’m taking part in a stair climbing competition. Guess I better step up my game.
I tripped over my girlfriends bra, seemed to be a booby trap.
If life throws you melons you might be dyslexic
In democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.
Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards.
Those are the whitest teeth I’ve cum across
Organ donors put their heart into it.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
I love the F5 key. It’s just so refreshing!
I wasn’t going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind
Insects puns bug me.
She really tugs on my fly.
If there was someone selling drugs in this place, weed know.
Rough sex isn’t all it’s choked up to be.
Jokes with punch lines are painfully funny
Knowing how to pick locks has really opened a lot of doors for me
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
I would tell you a joke about my shoe but I think I shoedn’t.
Last time I got caught stealing a calendar I got 12 months.
Learning about electricity today was quite illuminating
Two egotists started a fight. It was an I for an I.
A soldier suffered from premature ejaculation. He got a dishonorable discharge.
Don’t spell part backwards. It’s a trap.
Insects puns bug me.
Lif is too short
Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.
If you hunt aquatic mammals in the arctic, your fate is sealed.
Long Fairy Tales have a tendency to dragon
I threw an Asian man down a flight of stairs. It was Wong on so many levels.
Love is like a machine… sometimes you need a good screw to fix it.
Many architects are good at coming up with concrete plans.
Cells multiply by dividing.
Me and my receeding hairline go way back
My friend really changed when she became vegetarian, it’s like I’ve never seen herbivore
I was going to grow some herbs but I couldn’t find the thyme.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
One fifth of people are just too tense
Molestation is a touchy subject.
Apparently taking a day off is not something you should do when you work for a calendar company
Man walks up to 3 nuns and flashes them. The first nun had a stroke, the second nun had a stroke, and the third nun doesn’t even touch him.
If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, expect a long sentence.
People using umbrellas always seem to be under the weather
Pig puns are so boaring
Q: How many tickles does it take to make an Octopus laugh? A: Ten tickles
Q: what did one lumber jack say to another lumber jack? A: “I need to axe you a question.”
Why shouldn’t you have phone sex? Because you might get hearing AIDS.
Dracula didn’t have many friends because he was a real pain in the neck
Q: What did one ocean say to the other ocean? A: Nothing, they just waved.
Tight leather jackets are hard to pull off.
A rolling stone… somebody pushed it.
I’m eeling over with these puns!
I’m glad I know sign language, it’s pretty handy.
My math teacher called me average. How mean!
These candy canes are in mint condition
USA’s been so good at the Olympics, it’s trumped the rest!
What was Forrest Gump’s email password? “1forrest1”
I just finished a script for a porno movie, but it has got too many holes in it.
USA’s been so good at the Olympics, it’s trumped the rest!
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
Drinking too much coffee can cause a latte problems.
He’s just fishing for compliments.
Velcro, what a rip-off
Ever had sex while camping? It’s fucking intents.
What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.
Dyslexics untie!
Q: Why did the Octopus blush? A: He’d just seen the bottom of the ocean?
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
Rest in peace boiling water, you will be mist.
What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships.
Choking on sugar seems like a sweet way to die
Fishermen are reel men.
Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day? Forget-me-nuts.
For a fungi to grow you must give it as mushroom as possible.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A Thesaurus.
Geology Rocks
What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.
Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.
What do you call bees that are fat? Obeese
How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It’s not hard.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic
How did I escape Iraq? Iran.
What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn’t around? Holmeless.
How did two oceans or seas become friends? Because they kept waving at each other.
What do you have to do to have a party in space? You have to Planet.
How do construction workers party? They raise the roof.
What does a hockey player and a magician have in common? Both do hat tricks!
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic? Their, they’re, there.
I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.
What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common? They’ve both swallowed a lot of seamen.
How does a farmer count cows? With a cow-culator
What happens when four children lock themselves in a wardrobe? That’s narnia business.
A bear was killing moose for entertainment but in the end he wasn’t amoosed.
How does NASA plan its company party? They planet.
What is a runner’s favourite subject in school? Jog-raphy!
How good are you at powerpoint? I Excel at it.
What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12.
I am on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
I am so poor I can’t even pay attention.
Q: What did the Dorito say to the other Dorito. A: I can’t tell you it was to cheesy.
What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish
I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways!
Q: What did the fish say when he hit his head on a wall A: Damn
What part of a football ground is never the same? The changing rooms.
I asked my friend for a sharpened pencil, but he didn’t have one. I always knew he was a little dull
Q: What do you call a cow with a twitch? A: “Beef Jerky!”
What tea do hockey players drink? Penaltea!
I can’t count how many times I failed maths at school.
I wanted to be an astronaut, but my parents said the sky was the limit
They are finally making a movie called clocks… it’s about time
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
Diarrhea is hereditary. It runs in your jeans.
I couldn’t figure out how to put my seatbelt on, but then it clicked.
Q: What do you call an Alligator in a vest? A: An investigator
What’s the difference between batman and a black man? Batman can go into a store without robin.
A good artist knows where to draw the line
A rubber band slingshot was confiscated in algebra class for being a weapon of math disruption.
Broom sales are sweeping the nation
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
I used to have a fear of hurdles…but i got over it.
I wrote a really biting review.
I’ve been dying to trout my new printer.
I’m no photographer, but I can picture us together.
Q: What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store? A: Guardians of the Galaxy.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
A book just fell on my head. I’ve only got myshelf to blame.
I don’t like having long nails, but they are growing on me
Where did Noah keep his bees? In the ark hives.
I don’t trust stairs, they’re always up to something.
Where do you find a birthday present for a cat? In a cat-alogue!
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone
Which day do chickens hate the most? Friday
I got a reversible jacket for Christmas, I can’t wait to see how it turns out
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
Girls on their periods always ovary act.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
The raisin wined about how he couldn’t achieve grapeness.
Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day? Sure, they’re very scent-imental!
Don’t play koi with me.
Why is Santa’s sack so big? Because he only comes once a year.
You didn’t hear about the three big holes in the ground? Well, well, well.
I can’t tell which are fans and which are just groupers.
I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
I’d tell a joke about claustrophobic people, but it might be to tight for you.
Having sex in elevators is wrong on so many levels.
I don’t quite sea it.
You just got schooled!
I had sex with a girl in an apple orchard, I came in cider.
Americans prefer houses with basements. In fact, they’re best cellars!
Give that woman a kid, and she’d codlet all day.
I never understood odourless chemicals, they never make scents.
An expensive laxative will give you a run for your money.
Currently the flower business is blooming
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was ticketed for littering.
My grandma is on speed dial and now I call her instagram.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
I’m going to buy some velcro for my shoes instead of laces. Why knot?
You know the problem with grapes these days. People just aren’t raisin them right.
Cannibals like to meat people
Cuddling a cat usually leaves you feline good.
After the birth of your first child, your roll in life will be apparent
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
Being friends with assassins is a bad idea. They’re all backstabbers.
Scarecrows are always garden their patch.
Sex on tv can’t hurt unless you fall off.
She had a photographic memory but never developed it.
Shout out to all the people who don’t know what the opposite of in is
Simba was walking too slow so I told him to Mufasa.
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I can do it with my eyes closed
Smaller babies are always delivered by stork, the larger ones by crane.
Stop with the blind jokes…I dont see the point.
I hope the purrfessor cancels class beclaws I’m just not feline up for it right meow!
Thanks for explaining the word ‘many’ to me, it means alot.
An untalented gymnast walks into a bar
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line.
I ate 4 bowls of delicious alphabet soup. After that I had a massive vowel movement.
I didn’t do it on porpoise!
Toilet paper plays an important role in my life.
I’m fin to get busy.
Whats long and hard and has cum in it? A cucumber.
I’ve been delta bad hand.
Constipation must be a pain in the ass.
If a wild pig kills you, does it mean you’ve been boared to death?
If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving is not for you.

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